Blatant Homosexual Adventures in the Nijigakure
by Eiko Parody-san
Summary: Ruthless parody. Omigod like I totally suck at summaries, but the story is better than it sounds lololoL! The Naruto gang finds help with the richest and most homosexual ninja village to put an end to the madness of OOC, Mary Sues, and kawaii baka desu.
1. Kisame and Itachi’s Dilemma

Disclaimers: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. The only things I own are the OCs and any villages that have never ever been mentioned. You already know the drill.

Despite my giant sloth and lack of motivation, I, Eiko Parody-san have decided to parody the monstrosity known as Naruto. This parody will be a series of one shots that intertwine with one another, labeled by the characters or the pairings. I'm going to warn you once and only once. If you are offended by my material, get over it. It is not a direct insult to you. Also, if you feel that this fanfic seems very familiar to you, don't think I am targeting Writer X's fanfic: they are all the same anyway. So any similarities are purely coincidental.

**The Blatant Homosexual Adventures in the Nijigakure**

Chapter One: Kisame and Itachi's Dilemma

Lips were locked in a very heated and sensual kiss. Nothing could destroy the moment for these two lovers, or at least that is what they thought as they made out without thinking about the repercussions such as syphilis, ninjas AIDS, or even being caught by the ninja police for statutory rape.

Whoa wait, was statutory rape just mentioned in that last paragraph? Just how old are these people?

Upon looking closer at the two kissers, one could see a major height difference as well as a huge age gap. The male that was pinned against the tree was a twelve-year-old boy with an ANBU mask to the left side of his head. The second male, (Holy crap that was gay) was a large shark-like man approximate twenty-three years six months eighteen days old. Yes approximately. Despite the eleven year difference, the two continued to kiss one another as if there were no tomorrow.

For the love of Ninja Jesus Christ, breathe already!

The bodies separated.

Ninja Allah is truly a benevolent god.

"Itachi-san," panted the steaming pile of raw sex known as Kisame Hoshigaki.

The younger did not answer, for he had no social skills and probably was going through various changes like growing _hair_ in _places_ or having his voice crack every other sentence. That or the child prodigy known as Itachi Uchiha thought he was a bad ass. Yeah, and Malibu Barbie is hardcore punk.

"…" replied the obviously feminine ninja. He knew it was one of Kisame's "moments" where the shark-nin would show that he was a truly alive and human. Itachi did not care for the organic feelings that the shark was trying to express, so he merely stared at his partner with bored Sharingan eyes.

"Uh Itachi-san that wasn't a statement of endearment. I was actually going to ask you if you had made sure you weren't being followed."

Itachi's eyes flared with indignation. How dare that hunk of burning love deny him of affection? He was Itachi Uchiha for Ninja Christ's sake! Just because his partner was being cautious did not mean he could say that.

"Itachi-san I know that face. Now seriously, did you make sure you weren't being watched?"

"Yes I did Kisame. What do I look like? Some idiot?"

"Well then who is that?" asked the sexy pimpin' Mist-nin, pointing to the tree behind his partner.

Itachi turned around and looked at the branch Kisame was pointing at. His Sharingan eyes flared in anger and vexation.

On the branch was a five-year-old girl dressed in a sailor schoolgirl uniform in the ANBU style. Her lavender hair was held up by two small pigtails, and wore heart-shaped clips on each side of her head. Her eyes were bright blue, which was something that hardly anyone from the Fire Country could flaunt. She was the most beautiful lolicon and woman that anyone could ask for. Not only were her looks a rarity, but her prodigious mind and abilities made her truly a treasure to behold.

"Mary Magdalene Matsumoto," answered Itachi.

"Uh who the hell is that, Itachi-san?" asked Sex on Legs. He moved a few feet away from Itachi in order to get a better look at the girl. She was cute, yes, but she was definitely out of her mind. Where in the world did the brat come from?

"She is my ANBU captain," Itachi replied.

"LIES."

"I do not lie, Kisame."

Kisame could not believe his ears. "LIES."

"That's enough Kisame. As strange as it is, Mary Magdalene Matsumoto is indeed my ANBU captain."

"Damn straight!" piped the child. "Itachi why are you making out with this…thing!?"

"…"

"Ugh I know when I'm not wanted," sighed the handsome shark.

"Hotness you stay where you are," Itachi growled while glaring at Mary Magdalene Matsumoto.

"Yes Itachi-san." The Mist ninja stayed put.

"Captain Mmm, you have no business following me. I am off duty."

"I don't think so Itachi-chan!" The preschooler jumped off the branch, flashing her Cinderella panties on the way down. "I am the best ninja in the damn world. I became a genin at two, a chuunin at three, and got promoted to jounin and ANBU captain at five. You and I are destined to be, and you know it."

Itachi's hand met his face and sighed exasperatedly, wishing that the Mary Sue from hell would leave him alone. He had no idea where she came from and why he knew who she was. In fact, the Uchiha felt like some unknown force had etched Captain Mmm and her life into his mind a few seconds ago.

"I don't recall there ever being useful females in Naruto," mused Kisame aloud. He was wrapping the loose bandages of the Samehada, determined not to cause a time paradox because he felt the need to destroy the "precious" five-year-old.

"Neither do I."

"What? What!?" Mary Magdalene Matsumoto cried. "I am Konoha's best ninja! In fact, in case you didn't know, Itachi-chan, I am going to marry you!"

"Haha what?" chuckled the luscious shark-nin.

Captain Mmm glared at her rival at love. She was not going to lose Itachi over some child of bestiality. "I was going to marry Kakashi Hatake, but when the third hokage offered me Itachi-chan's hand in marriage, I had to accept! Itachi-chan has been my secret crush before I was waned out of my bottle!"

Take that back, Ninja Allah is not a benevolent god.

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Kisame, getting ready to heave all his stomach's contents.

"At ease Kisame."

The epic shark-man blinked at his life partner in disbelief. A five-year-old girl came out of the middle of nowhere claiming that she was destined to marry Itachi. How would be stay so calm!? For crying out loud, the child probably still wet the bed and believed in cooties.

"Listen Captain Mmm, I don't mean to impose, but you cannot be real."

"Itachi-chan don't you dare speak like that to your captain and fiancée! You chauvinistic pig!"

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Why don't you burn a bra? Oh wait, you can't."

Mary Magdalene Matsumoto stamped her foot on the ground oh so maturely. "Grr! Stop making fun of me!"

"Whatever," answered Kisame.

The little prodigy's face was red in anger. "You're a mean jelly bean!"

"Oh wow I think I'll go cry in a corner and cut myself because you called me bad names," the buffet of manliness said sardonically.

"Why you-" Just as the fanfiction-like original character was about to pummel Kisame with her elite ninja skills, Itachi slashed her throat with his kunai.

"She was getting out of hand," said Itachi as he threw the ridiculous Sue down on the floor. "She should have stayed in the kitchen."

"Where she belonged," chucked Kisame.

"Indeed," nodded the true prodigy of Naruto.

"Do you think there will be anymore of those… things, Itachi-san?"

"I don't think so Hotness," the boy turned around and began to walk towards a road. "Let's go."

Little did these two ninjas know that this would not be the last rabid and godmodded female they'd encounter.


	2. Konoha Group One

Disclaimers: I do not own Naruto or any of its characters. The only things I own are the OCs and any villages that have never ever been mentioned. Same old story as last time.

Another note before I continue, everything I do is for a reason. If you think I am over-the-top and/or exaggerating, please reread the previous serious fanfiction you have perused.

**Chapter Two: Konoha Group One**

Let us now go into a time machine and travel eight years into the future after the events of the first chapter. Yes, that's right; this is the time of Naruto Shippuden. And by the looks of the title, the setting is in Konoha.

"ERO SENNIN WHAT ARE THEY DOING!?" screamed Naruto for no valid reason. The mentally challenged Aryan boy pointed at two ninjas expressing their eternal love for one another. Oh and the ninjas were both male.

Jiraiya shook his head at the main character of the manga's ignorance and sighed in pity. It was not pity for Naruto, no; rather it was pity for himself. As much as Kishimoto wanted everyone to think Jiraiya was a charitable man that trained Special Ed for the sake of the Fourth, in the inside the Frog Hermit was still a miserable virgin old man that regretted taking in Naruto as his apprentice.

"That is Izumo and Kotetsu, the gayest almost-canon ninjas of Konoha."

Hitler's dream child scratched his head in confusion. "Eh who?"

"Oh for the love of- You know! The people who are going to eventually help kill those Akatsuki faggots?!"

Naruto eyes squinted as he looked at his sensei. At first his eyes gazed over his teacher's fleshy and distracting mole on his nose. After debating furiously with his conscience, Naruto finally looked at Jiraiya's eye, attempting not to sneak a peek at the mole. "Ero sennin you can't say faggot unless you are gay."

Jiraiya's hand met his forehead and contemplated suicide. "Foiled by gay-pride logic."

"Got that straight," replied Kotetsu. He was the ninja that wore a jockstrap on his face in order to be distinct amongst all the generic ninjas of Konoha.

Izumo, Kotetsu's life partner, was different. Looking slightly more desirable than Kotetsu, Izumo looked like all the other ninjas of their village. Okay just imagine Genma and that guy that with strept throat killed by that sand dude, err Hayate! Izumo looked just like them, only less sick and lack of oral fixation. Well… maybe with some "oral" tendencies.

"Haha he said straight when he's supposed to be gay!" chuckled Naruto, who was obviously still struggling to figure out his own sexual orientation.

The three ninjas rolled their eyes.

"Jiraiya, we're leaving Konoha," said Izumo.

"Why? Where are you two going?"

"Izumo and I are going to the Nijigakure-"

"Eh?" dumbassed our lovable exposition ploy, Naruto.

"Oh it means _The Hidden Rainbow Village_," said Jiraiya. "Ah yes I remember that place. Great ninjas, excellent ladies." The man, who happens to be older than writer's father, chuckled like a pervert and wiggled his fingers as if to molest breasts. Virgin.

"Yes," continued Izumo, "we are going to the Rainbow Village so we can revalidate our marriage license."

"Wait you two are married?" asked Naruto.

"Well duh! Don't you notice that we are NEVER EVER away from one another?" asked the jockstrap wielding ninja.

Naruto scratched his balls like any typical male. "Uh I thought Konoha didn't allow gay marriages."

"It doesn't," said Izumo with gritted teeth. "Fucking pair of tits running this place. Women can never do anything right."

"Thus we are gay, but at least Konoha acknowledges our marriage from that village."

"Uh huh…so what's the name of the kage of that place?"

"Naruto stop trying to add more exposition!" yelled Jiraiya. "We will find out soon enough. That is how fanfiction works. Now let those ass pirates make-out and go to the homo-gay village."

"Aww you're no fun, ero sennin."

"Yeah, you're no fun," said the most generic looking of the couple. "Didn't you learn how to write your porn because of the fifth Geikage?"

Jiraiya began to visibly panic, praying to Ninja Jesus that he wasn't looking so obvious. Gushing out torrents of sweat, Jiraiya answered, "What happens in the Nijigakure stays in the Nijigakure!"

"Except gay marriage you insensitive prick!" cried Izumo as he so gaily sobbed on his lover's chest.

"Wait to go you pervert," said Naruto. "Now you'll have to have sex with Orochimaru's pale snake-like body to prove you respect fags. The fanfiction manual that Sakura happened to have lent me said so."

Jiraiya shivered in disgust at the thought of touching his old teammate's scaly body. Beggars can't be choosers, Jiraiya.

"HEY! You said "fags!" You can't say that unless you are gay!"

"Or bisexual," added Kotetsu.

"Yes, or bisexual. So what do you have to say for yourself, you wise-ass?"

Naruto smiled and held his hand over his chest. "Ero sennin. Faggot ninjas of Konoha. I, Naruto Uzumaki, am gay."

"Naruto you can't be gay!" screamed Jiraiya while shaking Naruto. "You're the main character of a shonen manga! Your popularity will diminish like the population of Hiroshima after Enola Gay!"

"Yeah Naruto," replied Izumo. "Kotetsu and I can be gay because we are ignored and pointless characters that work for minimum wage and- Stupid pair of tits."

"Now, now, love. We can't blame everything on Tsunade and her ridiculous melons."

"Yes we can; we're gay."

"You are absolutely right, sugarkins. As homosexual males, we must hate females. Females are the root of evil. I mean look at Berserk! It's all that wh-"

"Honey buns, wrong series. This is Naruto," his more attractive partner corrected.

"Oh yes, you are right, darling."

"Wait why are you two fag-holes acting more queer?" asked Naruto.

"I… I don't know," said Kotetsu. "We've never behaved like this before. The most I've called Izumo was babe and cumslut, but that's in the safeness of our home."

"…Cumslut?" glared Izumo.

"Ah, well… heheh you see Izumo-"

Jiraiya sighed in resignation and chose not to listen to a gay couple's quarrel. Something was definitely not right in Konoha. He didn't know what it was exactly, but he knew that something had to be done.

"HEY NARUTO!" Jiraiya yelled.

Naruto was at least three feet away from the fat old man, squatting down and talking to a pill bug walking down the sidewalk. "Hello Mr. Bug. Do you know Shino?"

"NARUTO!"

The blonde ninja rolled his eyes and dusted his knees as he stood up. "Dammit ero sennin, I'm right here. You don't need to yell like the world is in danger or something. Sheesh."

"Naruto the world IS in danger!"

"Uh how?"

"A long time ago something like this happened."

Naruto frowned, "Ero sennin can you stop being so vague?"

"Ugh fine. I'll be as detailed as Charles Dickens."

"OH GOD, NOT THAT MUCH!" Naruto screamed in horror.

Jiraiya scratched his head. "Uhh okay. Well a long time ago, before I was born-"

"When the dinosaurs once roamed the earth?"

The elder mumbled in agitation and chose to ignore his former student's stupid comment. "There was once a person who had a very powerful jutsu, one that could change reality or rather people's personalities. But I'm not too sure it was real. It was just some fairy tale."

"Ero sennin," Naruto rolled his eyes. "Every time someone in the ninja world says "But that's just a myth slash legend slash fairy tale" it always comes true. No exceptions. Also, God kills a kitten."

"Who the hell told you that!?"

"Sakura's fanfiction manual."

"Well it doesn't matter. It was a fairy tale when I was growing up and it continues to be so. Anyway that still doesn't mean something strange isn't going on."

"You're really contradicting yourself, Jiraiya," said Izumo.

"You tell him, bunbuns," replied Kotetsu.

"Oh God that was too gay, even for you guys," said Naruto. "Jiraiya I think you're right. Something is making these guys act funny."

"Did you two contract Ninja AIDS?" asked Jiraiya.

Izumo and Kotetsu frowned.

"I think that was more discriminatory than you calling them "fags," ero sennin."

"Shiiiiit…" Jiraiya's hand met his forehead. Just as he was about to make a half-assed apology, a sudden revelation dawned upon the awkward ninja with the distracting mole. "Hey wait!"

Izumo made a very snooty gesture by turning his head so that his nose was pointing high. "Wait what, you homophobe?"

"Why are you guys getting your marriage licenses revalidated?"

Kotetsu sighed. "The Fifth Geikage is dead, so like the Sixth is making everyone who got a gay marriage to go back to the Nijigakure for revalidation."

"That's strange," mused Jiraiya.

"Yeah, well, what can you do about it?" Izumo replied with a shrug. "We'd better get going. Come on my delicious cock bite."

"I'm at your feet, dearest cumsl- I mean snickerdoodle."

The couple skipped-to-my-lou outside the main gates of Konoha, singing songs about "coming out" and "life after love." It didn't take long for them to disappear into the horizon, with the echoes of their extreme out of character homosexual melodies lingering.

"Okay Naruto I want you to get prepared."

"Eh what?"

"Get prepared Naruto! We're going to the Nijigakure to find out what the hell is going on."

"How do you know that the source of the problem is in the hidden gay pride village?"

"Uhh good question. But just trust my instincts, Naruto my boy! For I am Jiraiyaaaa"

"…" Naruto stared blankly at Jiraiya.

"Did I mention that there will be plenty of strip clubs in that village?"

"I'm totally there!"

"To the Rainbow Village we go!"


End file.
